Nonce To See You, To See You, Nonce.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the depressing Operation Yewtree investigation, it’s that what seemed like the innocent world of our TV yesteryears could actually be a dark and sinister place.

The 1970s are seen by many as the golden age of television commercials, but if we scratch its fluffy underbelly will something unsightly and sticky eventually go off in our faces? Which classic advertising characters should be frantically deleting their Internet search histories or burying their floppies in the garden? Here are my top 5 suspects.

The Jolly Green Giant

“Ho ho ho! Look at my green giant!”

Even as a kid I never trusted the Jolly Green Giant. There was something about the way he stood menacingly in a field, probably getting off on blocking out the sun for innocent crop growers below with his engorged emerald wang; chuckling away to himself in his mini skirt made of giant leaves.

The Green Cross Code Man

Often it’s a figure of authority you have to worry about. So a Superhero whose sole superpower is the ability to remember how to cross the road properly should probably start the alarm bells ringing. 

For one thing, he spent his days spying on children from what looked like a Camden bedsit, and for another, he had a habit of suggesting children follow him to a less busy street; one not so overlooked perhaps?

The Green Cross Code Man (not the actor, obviously) had a

little robot sidekick; possibly for watching 16-bit porn on.

Captain Birdseye

This Santa Claus look-a-like commanded a ship staffed solely by children for over three decades. Never mind the worker’s rights issues, was this some kind of warped Pavlovian experiment whereby getting his crew hooked on fish fingers would eventually allow him to coat his member in crispy breadcrumbs and rest it on the corner of the galley table at dinner time and let years of conditioning take care of the rest?

“Is that one of your breaded fish fingers in your pocket, Cap’n?”

“Ahhhhh!”

The Smash Aliens

At first glance their technology seemed dated and harmless, but who’s to say that our next bowl of bangers and mash won’t be the one that finally unlocks that horrible suppressed memory of being onboard their mother ship, naked and probed with whisks and masher attachments while they cackle like pissed bees?

S.M.A.S.H: Sick Mechanoids Amused by Sexing Humans (or something).

The Honey Monster

However, one character from the 1970s seems to stand out above all others. A larger than life figure with outrageous hair and an annoying catchphrase. Someone who appeared to be nothing more than an innocent man child; a dopey, apparently loveable, sometimes even tack-suited monster, hiding in plain sight, making us lower our guard and let him into our circle of trust.

How’s about that then guys and gals?